These are the two topics I keep getting questions about from Ella Kate. The latter one has been on my mind recently as well. Last week Ella Kate asked me where babies came from. I simply responded God. All of which is true. I told her that God selects certain people to raise his children. We are so lucky that he chose us for you and Addison. That answer was welcomed and satiated her mind for the time being. Good enough for her, good enough for me.
Last night as we were driving home from Mimi’s, Ella Kate asked about death. She knows she almost died last Christmas. She has also heard me talk to Michael about my Uncle Junior (my dad’s older brother). She knows that we have been very sad about it and that he is very sick. He survived colon cancer a few years ago. Unfortunately a little over a month ago, he was diagnosed with a very rapid form of brain cancer. He has been told that he has around 6-12 months to live. We are all very saddened by this news, and to see my Dad sad, well, let’s not even go there.
This is really the first bad news that has hit home. We lost my dad’s parents when I was in diapers. We lost my mom’s parents in high school and in college. I guess I was still at that age where you really didn’t understand how death affects people. I remember the day my grandmother died. Everyone went in to see her take her last breath, except for my cousin Willie and myself. I couldn’t do it. We just sat by each other and cried. I didn’t want to see it. I couldn’t.
Ella Kate asked where we go after we die. I told her heaven, we become angels looking down and out for the people we leave on the earthly side of life. I told her that we all have an expiration date, we will all die. She asked how do people die? I said people get old, sick, murdered, people go to war and fight for their country and pay the ultimate price. People have all sorts of accidents and die.
She asked if Michael and I would die, and I told her yes. I could tell that answer really got to her, as tears welled up in her eyes. She asked so I would never get to see you again? I said yes, but one day we will all be reunited again in heaven. As a tear rolled down her cheek, I said let’s talk about happy things now. Ella Kate, being Ella Kate, had to get one more thing in, and said well at least I will have your pictures and all the birthday cards from my family. There are 4 bins in the attic and I keep all birthday cards etc. for each person in their own bin. I told her that was true, but those are materialistic things, and what really stays with you is memories. I then told her about my blog. I think I have told her about it before, but she doesn’t remember or didn’t understand. I told her that I have documented the past 7 years of our life. I said so when I am gone, you can look back on the blog, which I am also turning into books, and read about our life. She took a great interest in the blog and wants me to read it to her. I said one day, we will.
Then she asked if I could turn on Katy Perry’s “Roar.” The girls favorite song at the moment. I said, “no problem,” as I wiped the tear coming down my face.
I think that was the first serious conversation I have ever had with my daughter.
For about 15 minutes last, Ella Kate, who loves dress-up, Sophia, Santa, Mr. Jingles and Mr. Jangles, puppies, butterflies, princesses, and fairytales…Ella Kate’s rose colored glasses became a little bit clearer for the first time as did mine.
That is my fire. I am buying myself a Christmas present today, my own domain name for this blog. To keep on going and documenting our lives, so that one day my kids can look back and see everything we did.